My thoughts on dinner etiquette

The anniversary dinner sparked several discussions about dinner etiquette.

I tried to do some research on the topic ahead of time, and found it frustrating.  Most etiquette guides focus on wedding etiquette, giving a sense that weddings were the only times etiquette mattered.  But what about more daily entertaining?  Why could I not find a magazine or website devoted to home entertaining, that wasn't heavily focused on food and recipes?

I did find two sources of helpful information.  Chowhound's "Not About Food" section had several long discussions about dinner etiquette.  GardenWeb's "Home Site" forum, the "Entertaining" section, also had some discussions, but the traffic seemed a little slow.

My own thoughts on how to behave at a dinner generally concur with a response by Karl S. on the Chowhound boards:

Unless the meal is clearly identified as potluck, the host is responsible for the hospitality. For all the food and drink and what not. 

The guest brings good manners, a sociable attitude, and gratitude to the host. It is also good form, except for routine dining, to bring a token of appreciation (aka the hostess gift) that does not require any work for the host to deal with. (If you bring flowers, offer to deal with them so that the host can continue hosting, for example). In lieu of that, the guest may offer to bring something at the host's discretion and according the guest's ability.

Guests do not unbidden bring food or wine intended for the meal unbidden. That used to be considered very rude, in fact, because it implied that the host would be insufficient in offering hospitality....

I love nothing better than having a herd of guests arrive empty-handed when I am arranging for a full-service dinner party, as it were.

If the dinner party is not routine (OK, I am conceding that some dinner parties are routine, though as a host I do not try to convey that to a guest), I will appreciate Gracious Notes afterwards...and I am not a stickler if they are a greeting card/note rather than Perfectly Proper plain stationary.

And I would love to be reciprocated. If I cannot think of a hostess gift, I will offer to bring something, but very discreetly and not be pushy about it. When nothing is needed, I will do as I outline above as a guest.

I disagree with Karl S. on some points.  First, I think gifts of food, in the form of sweets/snacks/fruit/condiment IS appropriate. (I'm thinking gifts of candy, fruit basket, holiday nut mix, Girl Scout cookies...things like that.)  Drinks are appropriate gifts.  However, one should not expect the food or drink to be served with the meal and hosts are not obligated to serve the food/drink at the meal.

For my OWN behavior, I was taught, and firmly believe, that one should never show up empty-handed to an event.  Whether the invitation is a Chinese restaurant lunch buffet, a casual backyard barbeque, or an apartment "hang out and drink", I bring something.  Alcohol, flowers, chocolates, unique preserves, a card--just something, not nothing.  If the gift is something I can't take into the restaurant, I'll leave it in the car, and make sure to give it to the host at the end of the event.  Also, in respectful disagreement with Karl, I will happily accept flowers as hostess gifts. ^_^

I think a dinner invitation is a dinner invitation, whether to a pizza parlor, or a nice restaurant, or to someone's home.  I think a reciprocal invite is a reciprocal invite: it doesn't have to be dinner, it could be an invite to a movie or a round of bowling.

On Chowhound, there was a discussion on birthday celebrations at restaurants.  There was agreement that there are three forms:  (1) At the end of the meal, the guests takes the bill away from the birthday celebrant, and split it among themselves.   (2) Each person, including the celebrant, pays for his or her own meal and    (3) The birthday celebrant pays for everyone.

Since there are options, and since there is not an agreed upon way of hosting such a dinner, I believe one should make it known which type of event it will be.  I don't think a person should organize their own party if they are expecting others to pay for his meal, but the organizer should make it known to the guests before they accept the invite that the party will operate under scenario (1). It seems the most fair for everyone.  A person may invite others to their own party in situations (2) and (3), but they should word the invitation to denote which one it is (asking others to "join" vs. saying that you are "hosting").

In the same spirit of clarity, I think that if I were to throw a party at a restaurant where meals were included, but alcoholic beverages were not, I should put it on the invitation. That way, there would be no surprises for anyone.  I think to say that you are "hosting", without any comment, means that you pay for food AND drink.

One final thought.  When looking up searching the web for dinner etiquette, I came across this passage from the Bible's book of Luke.

¹²Then Jesus said to his host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. ¹³But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind,¹⁴and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."   (Luke 14: 12-14)

I've decided that as part of my anniversary dinner, I will make a donation to a local food bank.

(The penny remains)