Accepting others

In my last post, I mentioned sitting next to a chatty engineer (we never exchanged names, pity). I did not realize it then, but my conversation with him made me realize that for me to respect other people's opinions, sometimes all it takes is for someone to respect mine.

I had class first thing on Monday morning. It was cool, around 50 degrees, and gray. A fellow classmate and I caught up as we were walking from the parking lot to our class. We took a detour, a new route for me, cutting through the quadrangle of the dormitories, past tall oaks, under the covered walkways. I told him that I did not live with my husband. And he replied, "That must be hard."

For several years now, I've wanted to take a rolled up newspaper to anyone who said that statement. To beat them around the head and neck. Perhaps give them a kick in the shins for good measure. Because they are idiots! Narrow-minded fools that believe children's stories, and believe love only exists in their version, their thin slice of experience. If people can live together and not be married, why is it so "hard" to be married, but not live together? There are those (71% of Americans) who think that a wife not changing her names means that she lacks a proper familial unity, or a lack of respect for husband, religion, or tradition. And 90-95% of American women do change their name upon marriage, but I never get "it must be hard to have a different name".

But the chatty engineer, when we were making small talk about our families, didn't just assume, like others did. He had lived apart, knew others who were married and living apart as well, and said that while it had been difficult for him, the difficulty being apart had grown over time, after he and his wife had lived several years together.

"It's what you're used to," we agreed.

Back now, walking to class on a Monday morning, I replied to "It must be hard" with "It's what you're used to."

It was the fairest answer I could give, and I realized I couldn't blame the asker: living together with his wife was what HE was used to. Of course he assumed it would be hard. I could think of him being narrow minded, or I could accept that perhaps, if I had been like him, if things had been different and I had followed the script that society had laid out for me, I would have assumed that such a thing was hard.

But perhaps that I could explain to him that there are other paths, too, perhaps off the sidewalk, across the quadrangle, and under the oaks and covered walkways.

Living Apart Together
SF Chronicle: One for the price of two
Elle: Living Apart Together

South for the weekend

My flight back to the City for a long weekend was a fairly pleasant one. The flight from University Town into Dulles was on a turboprop, and I got mildly motion sick. Dulles was larger than I imagined it to be, but was otherwise aptly named--it was one of the dull-est airports I've been to. It was basically just two long lines of terminals. The terminals I traveled through, terminals A&B, were in good condition, and it seemed to me that terminal B was new. The food selection was poor, and overpriced. Terminal A, where I waited for my connection flight, was crowded and warm. I sat down on the end of a row of seats, and there was a man, in orange yoga pants, barefoot, on the floor doing various stretches. I tried not to look at him.

What I was impressed with, though, was the number of languages I heard spoken just in my short walk between gates. And, I saw some very smartly dressed people, too: one that stands out in my mind was a lady dressed in an all white outfit--shirt, pants, jacket--the only touch of color being red leather flowers on the top of her white high-heeled shoes.

On the flight into the City, I sat next to a chatty engineer returning from Moscow. He had been working in Russia for the past two years, and he had just bought a house in one of the Suburbs. His wife was Russian, she had arrived in the 'burbs a couple of months ago to get things ready, and she was hopefully, going to be approved to be a US citizen this weekend. How exciting!

Being back in the City let me enjoy some of the foods I've missed--authentic Chinese, masaman beef from a Thai restaurant, bubble tea. Time won't allow me to go to the state fair, but I would have liked to have gone. This is probably a good thing--the last time I went to the fair, I made myself sick by going on a fried food eating spree. I heard that the big thing this year is fried butter. I think it was meant as a joke, but I'm not sure.

It's been a nice trip, and I've had fun hanging out with some great friends. It had been raining here in the City, but the past few days have been very pleasant, sunny but only in the low 70's. The apartment I'm staying in is at the edge of the complex, next to a wooded area. I stepped outside for some fresh air and sun, and I could hear the brook bubbling merrily in the woods. I felt like a very lucky person.

Only other bit of news: I'll be returning to the University with (daring, for me, anyway) deep burgundy polished nails.

Prepped for flying

I apologize for being a day late on this post, as well. I will be on break on Friday, though, so things should continue on time.

This post will take exactly 15 minutes to write--unlike the others, which have been taking close to 30 minutes to write--because I have to leave in 15 minutes to catch my flight.

I am behind on my actual school writing, so I'll be taking that with me on the trip. Otherwise, things are going well. I've taken out the trash, washed the dishes (I don't have a dishwasher), and currently the fan is blowing to get my apartment aired out.

The flu has been a concern at school. They've put up these stands of hand sanitizer dispensers in the lobbies and at least some of the classrooms. The department office even used packing tape to tape a big bottle of the regular pump stuff to the wall just outside the door to the department office. So far, the people I've been in contact with have all seemed healthy, so I'm not particularly concerned. I'll be getting both flu shots in the near future.

I'm excited about the trip. Hopefully, I'll have a good photo or two from it, and I'll have only good things to write about the flight. I'll also be flying through Dulles for the first time.

I also need to learn how to send posts to this blog through a mobile device. I tried blogging with my iPhone through the regular web interface, and it wouldn't let me do so.

The weather at my destination is supposed to be hot and rainy. Of course, the weather here at home now is sunny and warm.

School in general is going well. We got graded on our first presentation, and I got a low 'A'. Apparently it was not universal, because I heard others in the class complaining of getting 'B'.

For entertainment on the flight, I've got papers to read. Which is actually, a very good way to spend a flight.

You can tell I'm out of things to write, because all of my paragraphs are only one or two sentences long. This means that I have nothing coherent, and am just keeping to the rules of writing whatever pops into my head.

Also, I'm happy because this is my 5th week of posting. They say that for things to become a habit, it takes 4 weeks, right? I'm not sure if I need to have 28 posts for this to be a habit (which I am still short of), or if this counts. In any case, I'm happy to have reached this milestone. I might actually let others know of this blog now.

Have a happy rest of the week.

Friday photos

I had nothing to blog on Friday, so I went driving...to the local hospital. The hospital is located on one of the highest hills in the city and provides a great overlook:

(Click to view larger)

When I first moved here from my relatively flat hometown, it was these mountains, well, the sight of a town nestled so picturesquely into the mountains that gave me my "We're not in Kansas anymore" moment. Also, I never noticed before, but these mountains could be part of a AT&T "more bars, more places" commercial, the way the mountains scale into the distance. The leaves are just starting to turn colors for the fall, though you can't see it in the photo.

I was also lucky with shopping on Friday: After stopping by Wal-Mart for paint supplies, I went into Target to buy some luggage tags. I found a pair of bronze leather-look Swissgear tags for at 75% off, for $3.74. They're understated, but fit into the metallic theme for my suitcase. For comparison, at Wal-Mart, a pair of plastic looking "leather" luggage tags were $3.

Also on clearance, also 75% off: bath towels that match my bathroom tiles perfectly! They even had a beautiful embroidery pattern on the edge. There were only three of these towels left, and I picked up two, for $2.98 each. Solid color towels of the same quality were $8.50 at Wal-Mart.


It was a VERY good trip to Target.

Notes: How to paint a suitcase

I'll be travelling next week, and so yesterday and today, I put finishing touches on my suitcase. The stencils were purchased from Wal-Mart, and I used Krylon spray paint in metallic silver. As noted in my previous post, I had placed a straw onto the tip of the spray can so that I could focus the paint more easily.

There were two designs I wanted to respray: the first flower pattern on the top, and the last pattern on the bottom.  I put masking tape all along the edges of the stencils and used clear plastic trash bags (which I had gotten for free from the rolls offered on the stadium parking lot) to cover the rest of the suitcase.  Starting with the top design, I found that the the straw on the end of the spray can was not useful.  The paint still ended up pooling outside the stencil, rather than inside the cutout shape.  I eventually took a blade of grass, and scooped up the liquid spray paint from the covered part of the stencil, and touching the paint to the inside of the stencil.  That worked MUCH better than the actual spraying.  I applied several coats of paint in this manner.  When I finished and removed the stencil, I found that the spray paint had seeped under the stencil rendering the floral shapes into indeterminate blobs.  When working on the bottom pattern, I used a much lighter hand.

My conclusion is that for ballistic nylon suitcase fabric, normal spray paint and stencils are not a good combination.  I believe that the spray paint is too thin, and just sinks into the fabric.  As mentioned before, the non-porous plastic outline of the stencil had spray paint pooling on it, but very little paint was apparent on the suitcase fabric, even when "brushing" on the paint with a blade of grass.  The paint drops would disappear into the fabric.  Unless I had a large stencil, at least 3 inches across, I don't think I would bother with regular spray paint again.  I have heard that fabric spray paint had a thicker consistency. I would try that next time for my fine stencil designs, if I were to use spray paint. Most likely, if I had a small design, I would just use paint markers. I've found that both Rustoleum and Krylon make paint markers.

After the spray paint dried, I used a DecoFabric fabric markers, bought at Michael's, to highlight the designs. I hope that the paint will not scratch off in my travels--but I get to test that next week.

Apologies

I'm sorry I'm not posting today. But I'll have extra photos tomorrow. I promise!

Craftacular

I watched too many movies this weekend: '9' in the theater, and 'The Devil Wears Prada' and 'Ghost Rider' on TV. It was way too many movies, and I loved it.

It was not all sitting and watching images, though. I crafted, as well: I built an olive lamp, and I spray painted my suitcase. My lamp is burning as I type this.

I found '9' to be entertaining enough. I had watched the original short beforehand, to decide whether to go see the movie, and I was not disappointed. From the reviews, I did not have great plot expectations, but all I wanted was to find out who made the doll 9 and why, and so, I was satisfied, even though I agreed with the reviewers that the plot was otherwise quite shallow.

My lamp went through two incarnations. The first time, I used a single strand of floral wire to form a stand for the wick. For the wick, I cut a 1/4 inch strip of fabric from an old pair of underpants (worn out, but laundered!). While it worked fine, I thought was too flimsy, and the flame burned very close to the top of the oil. It seems that the fabric was too to wick as much oil as it needed. I threw out the wire and wick and tried again. This time, I braided three strips of wire together, and used a piece of 1/4" diameter 100% cotton cord (bought at Jo-Ann fabrics for $1.49 a yard, only to see it later at Wal-Mart for $0.37 a yard). It resulted in a much sturdier holder, and a better wick, I am pleased with it.

Side note: if any one wants to try making these oil lamps on a larger scale, the best way to get wicks is to buy a string mop head. One mop head costs about $5 at Wal-Mart, and can get a few hundred wicks from it.

The last time I flew, my "carry-on" was checked planeside. I was towards the back of the plane, so as I waited on the terminal ramp for the bags to be unloaded, I noticed that someone was walking away with what looked like my suitcase. But, as the nice announcer says "Many bags look alike", so, I ignored my doubts, and waited for the rest of the bags to be unloaded. The last bag left was a black one, similar to mine--but it wasn't mine. I took it, looked at the luggage tag, and called the woman whose bag it was. No answer. I began walking up to the terminal. I called again, said a brief hello, but was cut off. At the terminal, I told one of the flight attendants at the desk what had happened. They paged the woman on the airport intercom, but had no response. After calling the woman again (a relative answered), I found that she was already outside the security checkpoint. I had a connecting flight, and was already short on time, so there was no way for me to meet her outside and then pass through security again without missing my flight.

The attendants were not allowed to talk on a private cell phone, so I was directed by the attendant to tell the lady to drop off the suitcase at the lost baggage counter at the baggage claim, and then one of the attendants would go down to the baggage claim to return her suitcase.

The plus was that it was much easier running through the airport with no luggage dragging behind. I got on my connecting flight just in time.

I did not want to repeat this incident. I sat on the plane thinking about how this whole event have been avoided, I thought that I had to make my generic looking black suitcase distinctive. My first idea was to paint "Paws OFF!" in large letters on the front, and then paint a bunch of paw prints all over the suitcase. Thought that might be too blatant. The second idea was to take designer brand marks (Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Fendi , etc.), print them all over the suitcase, along with the large "NOT YOURS!" It would be a nice double entendre--I'm riding coach, the "NOT YOURS!" could refer to the suitcase is not anyone's brand, but also to whoever would freaking WALK AWAY WITH MY SUITCASE. Once I had calmed down, I decided that such a message might not show enough class, and that it might be better just to put designs on it.

The weekend I purchased stencils and a can of spray paint, and went outside to spray. I found that typical craft stencils don't work that well with spray paint--the spray area is much too large compared to the small area of the stencil, and there is a lot of waste. The area *around* the stencil opening was completely covered in paint, but the area *inside* the stencil cutout had only a dusting of paint. I eventually grew frustrated and took the dripping wet stencils and threw them in the outdoor dumpster. I didn't want to get spray paint drips inside my apartment.

To try to salvage what I had, I purchased a set of opaque fabric paint pens from Michael's to highlight the patterns. They worked very well.

It didn't occur to me until Monday that I could take a straw from a can of compressed air to direct the paint output. I took the can of compressed air, cut the straw in half, and taped the other half of the straw on my spray paint can. I will be buying another set of stencils and trying to paint again.

Does anyone know where one can purchase extra straws for aerosol cans? The best I could find was LDPE labratory tubing in the 1 mm size (the little tube on my compressed air can was about 2mm in outside diameter). I've heard people using coffee stirrer straws for as straw replacements for WD-40 cans.

I am now a fan of Ladies Home Journal. On Sunday I made Peanut Noodles with Chicken and Carrots. I chopped the raw chicken fine--Campbell's soup size--then dropped them in boiling water. They turned white almost instantly, but I let them boil for about 2 minutes, to be safe. I then used a slotted spoon to scoop out the chicken, and used the same water to boil the soba noodles. When they were done, I scooped out the noodles, and saved the broth. The recipe called for both scallions and cilantro, but since I love cilantro, I left out the scallions and put in half a bunch of cilantro instead. Also, I only had a medium 'grit' cheese grater, and I found that for shredding carrots, I probably needed a grater with larger holes. I think I will invest in a box grater in the future.

The resulting noodles were the best I'd had in a long time. I will definitely make it again.

Here is my lamp with the original wick. It burns surprisingly brightly, but the jar gets very hot.

Burning the Midnight Oil

I'm going to do a very dangerous thing and write about things not yet accomplished.  I have the weekend planned, and it's been a month since I've planned a weekend.  I am dedicating tomorrow morning to my wardrobe--it's after Labor Day and the temps today didn't reach 60.  While we still have some 70 degree days ahead, summer is over, and I've found that it gets cold fast around here.  I will be bringing out my fall and winter clothes, and packing the spring and summer things away.  This is good, because I'll still have time to wear my fall colored short sleeved tops, which were necessary when I lived in the Zone 8 South, but which I have, for the past two years (since I moved to the Zone 5 North) missed out on wearing because I brought my fall clothes out too late.  Here, October is long sleeved season.

I have a pair of jeans that are a year old and still never worn.  I plan to hem them tomorrow.

And then off to the movies!  I would like to watch '9'.  One of my dearest friends lives 1300 miles away.  One way we keep in touch is by watching movies together--that is, we watch the same move, on the same day, in our respective towns, so that in the evening we can discuss it with each other.  We've discussed extending the practice to "dinner and a movie", that is, in addition to the movie, we each cook the same recipe in our own kitchens, and compare notes.

Recently, I was given a bottle of higher end olive oil.  This was my good fortune.  Unfortunately, however, this happened just a week after I had opened a new bottle of my middle-of-the-road quotidian olive oil.

Now, olive oil does go rancid. Luckily, it usually starts changing flavor just as I am finishing off the bottle, so none is wasted.  I, however, do not want to risk the high end oil going rancid, which is what will happen if I wait until after I use up my open bottle.  Instead, I'll have to use the good stuff right away.

But what about my open, almost unused bottle? And did I tell you about my cheap, two-year old bottle of olive oil that I already have in my cupboard? When I first purchased it, I used it once or twice for cooking, but its flavor was never that good. I put it away in the top cabinet, and have since used it mainly as an ingredient for beauty treatments--sugar scrubs, cuticle oil, that sort of thing. So back to this newly opened bottle of oil--was it to join the half-used bottle in my cupboard? Did I want two spare bottles of olive oil?  I asked myself, 'What is the best thing to do with oil?' As a red-blooded American, I answer: Burn it, of course!

I've been chopping onions, crying along the way.  To combat the fumes, I've been turning on a stove burner (gas stove), since I don't have any candles.* (I've found that burning a candle near the chopping board helps keep down the stinging.)  Why not make an olive oil lamp, old school?  All that's needed is a jar, some wire, and some cotton cord.  Plus, it would be safer than a stove burner.

Ever wonder see pictures of Biblical style oil lamps and wonder why they were so low and flat? It's because olive oil is viscous and does not wick higher than about 2 inches.

About my snapshot:  It's a Mason jar!  If you go to the store to buy a mason jar, most likely it will not be a 'capital M' Mason jar, but a Ball brand mason jar or a Kerr brand mason jar.  I didn't think Mason jars existed.  I thought that they were all generic mason jars.

The jar once held Sam's Club medium salsa.  I had intended on saving the jar and lid for holding iced tea concentrate. I'm a big tea drinker, and instead of getting a big pitcher, a concentrate would save space in my 3/4 sized refrigerator. Plus, iced tea and mason jars go hand in hand.

The difficulty was that I could not get the pepper scent from the lid of jar.  Not after washing it 5 times in liquid detergent and scalding water.  Not after washing it in automatic dishwasher detergent and hot water.  Not after soaking it in Pine-Sol.  Not after letting it sit in vinegar for an hour.  Not after soaking it in peroxide.  Not after soaking it milk for 3 hours.  No, the pepper scent on the lid was there to stay. As a comparison, I also had a jar of kim-chi (that I was saving for my oil lamp).  The scent of the *kim-chi* washed out of THAT lid in only 3 washes of detergent and hot water.

I threw the lid away.  But! one can buy mason jar lids at the store for cheap.  I bought a pack of Ball mason jar lids.  I took them home to find that they don't fit on Mason jars.

The positive is that I now have a lovely Mason jar for drinking iced tea.

I know close to nothing about photography. To take the photo I moved the jar all over the house, putting it on multiple surfaces, at various heights, trying different camera settings, in order to get the light and shadows just so. The photo was taken on a stool underneath my brightest floor lamp, camera setting on "Portrait" with macro enabled, flash turned off. I held a manila folder just out of frame above the jar, to remove the glare from the lamp. The photo still wasn't great, so I used Picasa to change it to black and white and enhance the shadows. It still isn't a prize winner, but the details are there.

Have a great weekend!

*OK, I do have a candle (a Christmas gift), but it's scented and I'm sensitive to scent, so I don't use it. Plus, it drips wax everywhere.

Labor Day weekend

I hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend.  For me, it was a cooking day, actually, a cooking evening.  I made almond crusted chicken, green beans, and spinach ricotta quiche.  The point of the exercise was to use up leftover ingredients:  I had almonds from last year, chicken from two months ago, canned green beans from a few months before that, and spinach and ricotta from the saag paneer I blogged about a couple of weeks ago.

The almonds were already slivered, and I started by chopping half of them--it felt really good feeling them crunch under the knife.  But if it's crunchy, you can smash it!  The other half I put in a plastic bag and attacked with my potato masher.  I'm not sure if it took less time, but the real benefit was that I could pound wildly rather than gingerly mince, mince, mince.

I thought I had two chicken breasts.  Upon opening the freezer bag I found out I had three, and thus not enough coating. My hands by that time were covered in raw egg and chicken juice,so I decided against grinding more almonds.  This meant I had two perfectly breaded pieces and one that was more covered in paprika than almonds.  I ate the half-breaded chicken first, and it was still delicious.

The spinach ricotta quiche recipe indicates that it makes one quiche.  It makes two.  Assuming you follow the directions and buy a normal sized frozen pie crust, instead of a deep dish crust.  Luckily, frozen pie crusts are sold in packs of two, and, I'm told, quiche freezes quite well.

Why did I decide to make quiche from my leftover ricotta, instead of cheesecake?  I thought I needed to work on my issues with breakfast.

The casualties from my cooking?  Miscellaneous prep bowls and dinnerware, 3 mixing bowls, 2 baking pans, 2 pots, 3 mixing spoons, a whisk, and a colander (Oh the colander!  I have a folding colander.  Instead of drying out the spinach for the quiche using paper towels, as suggested in the recipe, I decided to press it inside the colander--first pushing down on it with the potato masher, just applying even pressure, then by folding the colander with the spinach inside.  This got spinach pulp into all the drain holes, which isn't bad, but also inside all the hinges of the colander, too.)  Also damaged, a two inch strip of skin on the side of my arm (I have a small oven, and to fit in both quiches, one of them had to be pushed against the back wall of the oven.  Being in contact with the back wall started causing the crust of aforementioned quiche to burn.  In retrieving the back quiche to prevent such burning, I bumped my arm into the side of the hot oven.  The quiche crust, however, was saved.)

It was just like Christmas!

Happy cheerful music?

Last night I went to bed excited about writing today.  I had several ideas about my blog post, the first, besides the photo, some commentary about the photo, about how planning ahead for these photos has made me see things differently.  How, I'm trying to see everything as a possible photo op, and how even as I try to be more aware of the things around me, I feel that I am growing more oblivious.  I thought, too that if that subject was too short, I would write about my iPhone, as it and I did not "meet cute", but instead our initial relationship was something of a comedy.

Instead, I'm writing about feelings, about how people pick up emotions from those around them (articles about the phenomenon here and here).  I was feeling fine until about an hour ago, but I've talked since then, and now, here I am, trying to work my feelings out by writing.  I'm an internalizer of feelings.  My fellow converser is an emoter, one whom did NOT have a good day, and whom I think highly of.  And now, I'm pulling Kleenex out of the box.  I suppose the problem is that my converser was the only human interaction I had all day, and I should get out more.  

I tried to counteract this by seeing what cheerful thing online might lift my spirits.  Hm...perhaps something about the Disney and Marvel merger?  Honestly, though, I don't follow either company or their products too closely, so nothing I found was particularly funny.  Kingdom Hearts characters are quite cute--but I've never played the game.  And I wonder if people are talking about it at Dragon*Con, or if its all old news by now.

I can lift my mood by music perhaps?  I would have liked to see something with a music video with happy people dancing or whatnot, something besides the obviously "Shiny Happy People", but I didn't find anything in a quick search.  Some of the Weird Al stuff qualifies, if not actually portraying happy people in the videos, but they do make me smile.  But what is funny and happy to *listen* to?  Maybe not based on the lyrics, but MUSIC that makes you almost want to laugh?  Some of Beethoven's stuff is really lighthearted, but I'm not sure about pop music.  Billie Jean is funny because MJ sounds like he has hiccups, and it was pointed out to me that George Michael in "I Want Your Sex" sounds constipated, so now I laugh when I hear it (holding it on the inside, of course (^_-)).  So other musical suggestions? 

Now to my snap.  What is this adorable metal bulldog?  Why, it's the hood ornament of a Redneck Rolls, of course!

Fall Arrives and My Fear of Breakfast

Fall
Fall is officially here: over the weekend, I had several large insects find their way into my apartment. You know that the seasons are changing when outdoor things start moving in.

Last night, the temps dropped into the 40's for the first time since summer. I wore long sleeves this afternoon, and when I had both windows open, I was a little chilly.

Curry is truly a difficult smell to eliminate. I had both windows open again, since after a few days, the curry smell came back. I wiped the kitchen counters again, this time with a more concentrated solution of Pine-Sol. That seems to have done the trick. I also discovered that the space between my refrigerator and my bedroom door collects odors. After I cleaned, the area that smelled like Pine-Sol--and the area where I was smelling the lingering curry--was the space near the bedroom door, NOT the countertops. It would be neat to release colored smoke and plot the airflow in my kitchen.

The nice thing about the weather becoming cooler is that I can use the oven again: I have a single window air conditioning unit for my entire apartment, and even with fans blowing, my place is hot in the summer. Additionally, I have a gas stove, so the windows need to be open when I'm cooking for extended periods--and nothing feels as good as crisp fall air coming in as you're cooking!

Fear
I've though about different topics to write about for this blog, and one topic that came to mind was things that I fear. I used to be an extremely fearful person, and I say that with a touch of pride. I remember going to school every day with my stomach painfully cramped, I was so afraid of school. In class, I would always sit on the edge of my seat, always fiddle. My teachers always commented on my good posture, but it was just me sitting, ready to bolt. I didn't really get over this until I went to college. I attribute this partly to the several minute walk to get to class, but the greatest part to the realization that school was not the end-all be-all of life. Basic stress is easier to deal with when you're not also terrified at the same time.

I've still got a lot of fear in me, of course. But it's been overshadowed in the last couple years by bitterness and anger and depression. Last week, though, as I was writing about my fears of speaking, I realized how long it had been that I defined my life by fear, and I want to get that back. Bitterness, anger, and depression are new to me. I don't operate well in that emotional framework. But fear? That's the devil I know! I would love to be afraid again, to always be on the edge of a breakdown and an ulcer. That's familiar. I'm tired of new. I want to go back to the old.

So, I've thought I would write about things that I was afraid of, to once again frame my life on raw fear. Today, do you know what I'm afraid of? Breakfast.

I normally skip breakfast, and not because I don't have time, or am dieting. This summer break, for example, I stayed mostly at home, I found myself skipping it on purpose, because it was too anxiety producing to think about eating it. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day," I hear people say, and since I am such a failure, I cannot bear to make that decision. And those decisions always turn out so badly, anyway. First, there is the thought that if I have breakfast, I'm doing so because it will help me deal with the stresses of the upcoming day. But that sentence assumes that I'll have a stressful day, and I refuse, first thing in the morning, to think that the rest of the day will be stressful.

Second, I find that when I eat breakfast, I'm always starving before lunchtime. It's worse when I eat cereal or instant oatmeal--then I'm not only ravenous, but I get the shakes and generally feel terrible and am unable to concentrate. However, if I DON'T eat breakfast, I'm usually fine until 2 pm or so.

So, if I am going to eat breakfast, it's got to be a big breakfast, a breakfast with protein. But sausage and bacon are full of fat and preservatives, and eggs have cholesterol. So what exactly am I to eat?

Finally, there's the cooking (because I can't eat cereal). If I cook in the morning, then I'll have to clean up in the morning. So, extra time to cook, extra time to eat, and extra time to clean. And what if something goes wrong when I'm making breakfast? What if something burns? I'd have to spend time airing out the apartment, not to mention, if something actually catches on fire, I'd have an emergency on my hands. Breakfast would be ruined. I would have put in the effort, and not have time to eat. I'd have wasted food. And then I'd be in a funk because I burnt breakfast, and wasted food, and was late to work. See? Having breakfast could potentially ruin my entire day. So, instead of potentially ruining my day before it's even started, I just skip breakfast.

In other words: I'm not man enough to handle breakfast. Running away is easier.